Earning Approval

So, I haven't posted in over a month. I fail at life.  My excuse: for the past two weeks I've been enjoying my summer, and the two weeks before that I was taking finals and all that fun stuff.

You know, I’ve been doing the “Christian thing” my whole life. I grew up in church. While I’ve genuinely become a follower of Christ (You can read my story here), it’s been a struggle for me not to be a sort of modern-day Pharisee.  Paul says he was a “Hebrew born of Hebrews” (Phil. 3:5).  Well, I’ve always been a “Southern Baptist born of Southern Baptists.”  I was the kid who memorized the most Bible verses. I sang in the choir, went on mission trips, and when I got older I helped out in VBS and Awana.  Now, I can honestly say that most of the time, I wasn’t doing these things just so everyone would look at me and say, “Oh, she’s such a good Christian.” I also knew that I couldn’t earn my way into heaven or anything like that—only Jesus’ blood is sufficient to cover my sin.  But, at the same time, I never felt like God was satisfied with just me.  I felt like I had to be the best at whatever I did, or I was failing God.  I beat myself up if I was anything less than perfect—so, I beat myself up over everything.

I’m not sure why I did this.  Maybe it was because I had a false salvation experience  before I actually came to know Christ.  So, I felt a kind of need to “prove” that my second experience was real.  After all, when Jesus comes into your life he makes a change, right?  And I became a follower of Christ when I was 9.  It’s not like I had been on drugs, or sleeping around, or anything like that.  I didn’t have a “cool” testimony where Jesus had completely changed everything about me.  So, maybe I felt the need to do all these good things just to affirm that I was really a Christian.

As I got older, my love for Jesus grew.  I started singing in choir and helping out at church because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to.  But at the same time, I never felt like I was good enough.  I just stopped trying so hard to be good, and just enjoyed myself. I did grow closer to God—I wasn’t backsliding or anything like that.  I just always had this part of me that felt like God was never quite satisfied with me.

In February 2010, I was a group leader at my church’s DiscipleNow weekend.  The speaker was A.T. Hargrave.  During one of the sessions, he said something that shifted my own little paradigm.  He was talking about how the Holy Spirit fills and guides us once we have chosen to follow Christ, and how our actions are supposed to reflect that.  Then he talked about our motivation for acting as Christ would.  Our motivation is supposed to be love, not obligation. We don’t need to earn God’s approval.

The way he put it was, “God doesn’t want your works—before OR after salvation.”

I thought, “Oh. I get it. That’s what I’ve been trying to do.”  I’d been thinking that if I did enough, gave enough, said enough, then God would be proud of me.  But He’s already proud of me. He loves me now, not after I’ve confessed every single sin I can think of.  Not after I’ve led someone to Christ.  Not after I’ve written a big check to my church.  He loves me now. He’s proud of me now.  And He approves of me now. 

While that was a “stepping stone” of sorts in my walk with Jesus, it’s come up again and again.  I’ve especially been dealing with it lately.  This morning in my quiet time I was reading John 16.  Jesus is headed to the Garden of Gethsemane , about to be arrested, tried, and crucified.  So He’s giving His disciples as much information as He possibly can about what’s coming.  He compares what’s about to happen to a woman in labor, saying “When a woman is in labor she has pain because her time has come.  But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. So you also have sorrow now.  But I will see you again.  Your hearts will rejoice, and no one will rob you of your joy.  In that day you will not ask Me anything.” (vv. 21-23a).

Then He tells them, “I assure you: Anything you ask the Father in My name, He will give you.  Until now you have asked for nothing in My name.  Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be complete.” (vv. 23b-24).

I paused after I read that.  “Anything you ask… He will give you.”  What did I want to ask for?  I started crying as I prayed, “God, I know you love me.  But I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I please you, or that I’m accepted by You.  Your word says that I’m covered by Your blood, that I’m holy, and that You love me.  Please just let me feel that God. I want to know it and not just keep telling myself it over and over. I’m asking this in Your Son’s name, God.”

And then, a few verses later, I read this:

“For the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God.” (v. 27).

And a few verses later:

“Yet I [Jesus] am not alone, because the Father is with Me.  I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world.  Be courageous! I have overcome the world.” (vv. 32b-33, emphasis added).

God is so good.  Did you catch that?? First, I got a word-for-word assurance that God loves me, not because of what I do, but because I have a relationship with His Son.  Next, God says that He wants me to have peace.  He doesn’t want me to live in doubt of Him and His love.  He told me exactly what I needed to hear. 

He is always faithful.  And He accepts me just as I am, because I’m His child. No works necessary.