It's really hard to be happy with myself sometimes. I try to see myself like others see me--and I see a dork who's not funny and is awkward to talk to. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not constantly thinking about how I'm not good enough or anything like that. It's more of a subconscious thing; I'll analyze myself without even realizing it. People always tell you to "just be yourself." Well that would be great--if I could figure out who that is!! Maybe I'm way behind everyone else, but most of the time I have problems figuring out where I fit in the "big picture." I know I want to do what God has for me--but what on earth is that?? And should I be dropping everything to figure it out, or am I supposed to sit here until it falls in my lap?
Every day I get a million little influences telling me who--and how--I should be. Some messages are easy to judge--like "don't do drugs" or "don't steal money from work." Some are harder. How should I respond to that arrogant jerk of a customer? Should I say hi to that girl in my class--I think her name's Alexis--or will she think that's weird? What do I say that won't sound stupid? Do I start a debate in lit or do I keep my mouth shut? (Funny how the "don'ts" are easier to judge than the "dos"...) Should I do laundry or homework? Or should I blog? (And side note: why do I even blog? Why should anyone else care about what I have to say? It's arrogant if you think about it.)
I don't know if all the things I'm rambling about are even important. I feel like I'm moving backwards as I get older. Shouldn't I have more answers than questions at this point??
This is why God is God and I'm not. If we were supposed to have it all figured out, then I'd be in big trouble. I guess I'd better just give it all to Him, again... at least until the next time I start trying to find all the answers.
