My take on the world.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Remembering

Well, it's been 3 months today.

Three months ago today, I woke up around 3:30 AM in pain.  Bad pain.  I hurried into the bathroom, already fighting back tears, hoping I was being over-worried, that I was wrong.  Then I saw it.

If you had asked me before that second, "What's the worst moment of your life?", I would've had to think about it.  Now, I wouldn't hesitate.  The worst moment of my life was when I looked down and saw blood, and knew that my baby was gone.  That knowledge slammed into me with such force, crushing breath and and tears and hope.  I stood as if paralyzed, but I wasn't numb.  The sheer weight of it all froze me into place.

But, like all other moments, this one passed.  I hurried to wake up my husband.  I could barely get out the words,  "I'm bleeding."  I called my OB's office and got the doctor on call.  He was very calm, but he knew there was nothing to be done.  I already had an appointment at 9 that morning--it was supposed to be my first ultrasound.  As long as the pain was manageable, and I wasn't bleeding too heavily, he advised me to wait until then.  We called our parents, and Matt ran to QuikTrip to get some things for me.

When Matt got back, we sat on the bed and sobbed.  Matt prayed, "God... remember us."  That's all he could say.  We dozed off and on between 5 and 7, when we got up and headed to the hospital for my appointment.

When we arrived, we were greeted cheerfully by the doctor's assistant.  We quickly found out that the doctor on call had not notified my doctor about our situation at all.  We were taken back to a room where an ultrasound tech half-listened to my explanations.  She dismissed my concerns as if I wasn't smart enough to know what bleeding and cramps were.  (In retrospect, I think she may have thought this would calm me down.  It only served to infuriate me.)  When she did the ultrasound, she seemed surprised.  "Oh... You ARE bleeding heavily."  I wanted to scream, "NO SH*T, SHERLOCK!", but my good-little-church-girl self kept me silent, and I settled for a glare.  The tech said there wasn't a gestational sac, and after I changed, Matt and I were ushered into another room to talk to my OB.

My worst fears having been confirmed, I grew much calmer.  My husband, however, couldn't stop weeping.  As I held his face in my hands, he confessed that all along he'd been hoping that the ultrasound would show our baby, still doing fine.  He cried as we talked to the OB, and as the doctor's assistant ushered us down a back hallway so that we wouldn't have to walk back through the waiting room full of expectant mothers.  He cried as we walked all the way out to the car, and when we got in he couldn't drive for at least 10 minutes. (Although several people told me it would be otherwise, my husband grieved over this every bit as much as I did.  Honestly, most days I thought he grieved more.)

We spent the rest of the day wandering around the Zona Rosa shopping area together, and had Chick-fil-A for dinner.  Even though I was in pain, I really wanted to be around people, not shut up in our apartment any more.  My mom and Granny drove up from OKC the next day.  I was in a lot more pain the second day--I couldn't even get off the couch.  My fantastic husband spent the whole morning cleaning our apartment for me, and my mom and Granny brought ice cream with them.  The next day, I went to use the bathroom.  I happened to look down, and... I saw my baby.  It was the size of a chocolate chip, just like my pregnancy app said it should be at 7 weeks.  I texted Matt to come in there with me.  Neither of us knew what to do.  So we flushed the toilet.  I wish we hadn't--I kept picturing my baby in a sewer for days afterwards.

I went through my miscarriage feeling like I should get mad at God at some point.  The truth is, I never did.  Honestly, I knew more than ever how good He is.  I knew He could've changed this, that He could've saved my baby, and yet I never doubted His complete and utter GOODNESS.  I know that sounds crazy.  But it's just how it was.  Several people told me how godly my response to all of this was.  That frustrated me, because I wasn't trying to be godly.  It was just that I KNEW, beyond any doubt, that God was/is unfathomably GOOD.  I can't explain it any better than that.

Although I was really hoping for a boy, Matt and I both have a strong feeling that this baby was a girl.  As the weeks have gone by, I've found myself thinking of her as our sweet baby Remember.  Because we will always remember her, and we know that God always remembers us.  When the Bible talks about God "remembering" someone, it's not because He forgot them.  His remembrance is the fulfillment of a promise.  God will not forget my baby.  He is not done with her, and he isn't done with us either.

When we announced our pregnancy, one of my good friends texted me, "...You're bringing someone into this world that will live eternally.  So y'all just added some eternal value to this world.  How cool. Right?"  I LOVE that.  Even though we never got to meet her, our baby is alive right now.  And we will meet that precious soul one of these days--the day when all wrongs are made right, when all things are redeemed.  And we will know that, yet again, God has remembered us.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

On Baby-Killing and Winning Arguments

Anyone who knows me very well at all knows that I love nothing more than a good old-fashioned intellectual argument.  I had a coworker in high school that disagreed with me about virtually everything. Whether the topic was evolution, welfare, or liberalism in general, we were almost guaranteed to have polar opposite opinions.  We’d argue while making sandwiches and nugget packs, to the intense discomfort of our conflict-shunning coworkers.  However, we were fast friends, and never let the conversation devolve into the name-calling and vitriol that so often accompanies debates between two strong-minded parties.  I loved the challenge to my worldview, and nothing excited me more than presenting a good defense for my beliefs. I earnestly believed if you gave me a podium and a microphone—or a webpage prominent enough—I could argue the opposition into submission.

Sadly, my earnest beliefs about the values of intellectual discussion with opposing parties have been well and truly demolished since then.  A perfectly-worded rejoinder is not all it takes to shatter the walls of the opposition.  Not one person who disagrees with me about welfare, or gun control, or abortion is going to be argued into agreeing with me.  Even less likely to convince those in disagreement is the name-calling, angry, sweeping generalization that passes as debate in any squabble on a given social media platform.

With this in mind, I’d like to address my fellow believers, specifically those of you that feel strongly about abortion.  I have seen more and more posts lately saying things like, “Abortion is MURDER!!”  Or, “Abortion is killing a baby!”  Or, “It’s not tissue, it’s a human being!”  I know that all of the people posting things like this are passionate about human life.  I know that their hearts are broken over the devastation that abortion brings into the lives of everyone involved.  However, I also know that these posts do absolutely NOTHING to convince others not to have an abortion.  In fact, I believe they do nothing but HURT the cause of life. 

Think about this with me.  At least one-third of all American women have had an abortion.  That means 3 out of every 10 women on YOUR friends list.  Suppose that you are reading an article about late term abortions, or how the number of abortions vastly surpasses the number of men killed in American wars.  This makes you angry and sad, so you post an infographic or a status about it.  Now one of your friends, one of those 33%, who has had an abortion, sees that status.  Or, a person on your friends list who 1)does not know Jesus and 2)believes she is pro-choice sees that status.  How do they perceive this status?  Does a light bulb go off in their mind?  Are they now open to the truth of how God views human life?  Do they jump on board the save-the-babies train?  OR, does it make them angry and defensive? Does it make them absolutely resistant to anything else you have to say on the matter?  Does it make them feel like you care more about your cause than you do for them?  I think this is far more likely, and a far more natural reaction.

Our job as followers of Jesus isn’t to convince unbelievers that how they are living is wrong.  They already know it!

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world,[g] in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
 Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.” (Romans 8:18-25 ESV, emphasis added)

Scripture states that even unbelievers know God’s attributes and nature. To know God’s nature is to know what is right.  No matter how well an unbeliever suppresses this truth, it is buried deep within themselves.

I have sat in a counseling room with many women who were considering abortion.  They all had different reasons to be there; they all had rationalizations about how abortions might/would work best for them.  Some of them ended up choosing life, and many walked out of that room firmly set on having an abortion.  But, I looked into every single one of those women’s eyes, and I promise you this: EVERY SINGLE ONE knew that abortion was wrong.  Even the women acting like it was a valid, reasonable choice.  They came up with their defenses and their rationalizations, and made up their minds, but every single one knew down deep in her soul that it was wrong.  They didn’t need me to tell them that.  They needed me to love them.  They needed me to offer encouragement, and hope, and a listening ear.  They needed me to look at them and see them the way Jesus saw them.  And when I (or more often, one of the other AMAZING clinic workers) was able to do that, the defenses and rationalizations came crumbling down more often than not. 

We cannot, with our intellectual prowess, convince a mind that has turned away from truth. But we can, by the grace of God, love a broken soul as ours have been loved.  And that will advance the pro-life cause more than an infographic ever could.