I wrote this in my journal during church last Sunday (Oct. 31) and finally got around to typing it up.
“Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus.”—Romans 8:1
God, I am my own worst critic. I don’t want to accept who I am. I’m constantly trying to be who I think others think I should be. I’m always putting myself down. And putting others down. Jesus, in You I’ve been made new. I am no longer incomplete. You rejoice over me. You accept me. Give me a new spirit God—a spirit of contentment. Let me be satisfied with who You have made me.
No condemnation. None. Not even a rolling of eyes or a smirk. No “she’s an idiot.” Your eyes of love see me differently—they see me as You have made me with Your precious perfect blood. I go through life thinking that You don’t see me as I really am—that You ignore my sin and pretend that I’m good enough. That all the while, underneath, You see what I’ve done and who I really am and You hold it against me.
Who I am is not what I’ve done. That used to be who I was. But You took me out of that and changed me. I don’t have to live as though I’m not good enough. Sure I can, if I choose to. But when I do that, I’m the one who is living a lie. I think that You can’t possibly be right about who I am, so I walk back into my prison cell of negative thoughts and self-condemnation. It’s like the scene in The Last Battle (C.S. Lewis), where the dwarves have convinced themselves that they’re in a stable. In reality they are surrounded by heaven. But they refuse to accept that—and so they’re stuck drinking filthy water and eating dry hay. You’ve given me abundant life. I need You to help me live that.
God, You are worthy. You’re holy. You’re so amazingly good. Your grace is more than enough for all my insufficiencies. When I am weak You are strong. Your love surpasses all the glories and wonders in this world. You are life and peace and joy, and Your Spirit dwells in me. I am fulfilled in You, and only in You. My value is not determined by what I do or even who I am. It is determined by what You think of me, by what You have done for me—by who You have made me. Thank You for that. Your goodness overwhelms me. Let my life be Yours. Don’t let me believe the lies that come from everything but You. May Your will be done in me.
